PPP 477 | Are You Being Too Nice? When Helping Actually Hurts, with author Jess Baker

Summary

In this episode, Andy talks with Jess Baker, business psychologist and author of The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People. Jess helps leaders, project managers, and anyone who tends to take on too much work avoid burnout, preserve self-worth, and build healthier ways of helping.

The conversation digs into what "Super-Helper Syndrome" means, how over-helping can lead to exhaustion, resentment, exploitation, or harsh self-criticism, and what beliefs often drive us into that pattern. Jess shares actionable tools for setting boundaries, recognizing irrational helper beliefs, and changing our mindset, including asking "What kind of help is needed here?" to building systems that support sustainable helping.

If you're leading projects, teams, or supporting others, these insights will help you avoid overcommitment while still being compassionate. 

Sound Bites

• "Helping others to the detriment of your own wellbeing is something many of us do without noticing."
• "When you struggle to say no to requests for help, your relationships are lopsided. You deny your own needs."
• "Exhaustion, resentment, exploitation and self-criticism are the four adverse impacts of super-helper syndrome."
• "Compassion is when you decide you have to do something to alleviate someone's suffering."
• "'What kind of help is needed here?' rather than just 'How can I help?'"
• "Your self-worth does not depend upon helping people."
• "Healthy helping is about recognizing who, how and when you help, and having boundaries that are not porous."

Chapters

• 00:00 Introduction
• 02:01 Start of Interview
• 02:23 What Got You Started Exploring Empathy and Compassion?
• 05:15 Cognitive Empathy vs Emotional Empathy
• 08:02 How Do You, As a Clinician, Use Empathy Without Being Overwhelmed?
• 10:07 The Four Forms of Help
• 18:52 Stakeholder Scenario: Balancing Autonomy and Dependency in Helping
• 25:01 When Did Jess Help? What Were Her Motivations?
• 31:56 It Adds Energy to Help
• 33:28 How Can I Discern If I'm Becoming a Super-Helper?
• 38:07 A Roadmap for Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 46:03 Parenting and Helping Habits
• 51:21 End of Interview
• 51:58 Andy Comments After the Interview
• 56:33 Outtakes

Learn More

You can learn more about Jess, her book, and her work at JessBaker.co.uk.

For deeper reading and related conversations, check out:

• Episode 448 with Marie-Helene Pelletier (on burnout and resilience)
• Episode 385 with Vanessa Patrick (about her book The Power of Saying No)
• Episode 26 with Dr. Ed Schein (MIT Fellow, Helping: How to Offer, Give, and Receive Help)

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