506-How to Not Have an Affair: Interview with Gary Thomas

It doesn't start with scandal. It often doesn't even start with feelings.

It starts with a smile. A moment of connection. A conversation that feels easy—maybe easier than the ones you've been having at home.

You walk away thinking, That was nothing. But somewhere deep down, you also know—it could become something.

If that's where you find yourself today (or even if you've seen the warning signs in someone you love), please take a deep breath. You're not broken. You didn't marry the wrong person. You haven't done an irredeemable thing with no going back. You're human. And this conversation is meant to bring you hope, not shame. In my conversation with Gary Thomas today—pastor and bestselling author of Sacred Marriage—he shared that when a group of wives was asked "How many times do you think a married man has had extramarital feelings for someone?", they all responded with zero. When he asked the same question to a group of husbands, they all said somewhere from 4 to 6.

What we are saying is that attraction and feelings for someone other than your spouse are not often talked about, but are pretty common- for both husbands and wives. And we believe that bringing this into the light will take some of the shame off of these feelings and also help people not to go down a road they think has no return.

Gary Thomas on Attraction and Integrity

Gary has been married for over 40 years, and he's seen a lot—as a pastor, counselor, and husband. He told me, "The reason we make a commitment is because we know there will always be another person who draws us for a moment. Commitment means we already know what to do with it—and what not to do with it."

We don't often talk about attraction outside of marriage unless it's already turned into an affair. But Gary's heart is to normalize awareness before it becomes destruction.

In our talk, Gary referenced a romantic comedy movie where a married bus driver begins to become attracted to a girl on a bicycle. Finally, a friend of the bus driver gently confronts him and says: "There will always be a girl on the bicycle."

In other words, there will always be someone who catches your eye.

The key isn't pretending that will never happen—it's learning how to respond when it does.

Gary reminded me that having an attraction isn't the sin. Entertaining it is.

The feelings themselves don't make you unfaithful—they make you human. But where you let those feelings go next? That's where faithfulness begins.

The Subtle Steps Toward an Affair

Gary shared that most affairs don't start with a dramatic choice—they start with small, quiet ones. Little compromises that feel "innocent."

He shared with a story of a woman who did end up having a physical affair. She recounted that it wasn't just one day to the next, but that there were actually several steps that happened before they were physically intimate. She shares that she could have turned back at any of these step, had she known before. She also shares the grief after it was all done at waking up to "just a dude in her bed"– not the escape or rescue or romance the temptation had promised.

Here are the steps she shared and the pattern Gary's seen