Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been “Broken.” How do we Repair and Heal it?

In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship. This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:

• Her past abuse/betrayal
• Trauma and betrayal within the relationship
• Rigid religious background
  • Shame surrounding sex; lack of open communication
  • Misinformation surrounding sex
  • Sexual secrecy

Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:

• The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationship
• The constantly evolving state of a relationship as a whole
• The need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physical
• We all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?

Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:

• As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents. 
• Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.
• YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services