Why You Get Defensive With Your Spouse (And What to Say Instead)

Your spouse brings you a hurt, and before you know it, you’re defending yourself or rushing to fix it. Dr. Josh uses an example from his own marriage and unpacks why we do this: an old wound gets stirred up, and we react to the past instead of the person in front of us. When we jump to fixing, our spouse can feel like a problem to solve or a burden to get through. Plus, Dr. Josh shares the three words that get you back to what’s really broken: the connection.Here are some key takeaways:

• Most criticism carries a feeling. Listen for the feeling, not just the words.
• Defensiveness keeps the pain cycle spinning.
• We often react to an old wound, not the person in front of us.
• The two three-word phrases that help you respond to the hurt.
• How to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. 
• Name the opponent (illness, stress, a hard week), not your spouse.

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